Why So Many Desperate PICK-ME Women Are In The Church

The term “PICK-ME” has been popularized across social media channels in recent years, but what exactly does the term mean? According to its inception on the popular television show Gray’s Anatomy, one can conclude it refers to a woman who is desperate for a man’s choosing and would go so far as to devalue herself by essentially begging a man to be with her. But it’s not so obvious in most cases — You typically won’t see women on bended knee, begging men in public. Instead of that type of overt action, PICK-ME behaviors tend to show up in more subtle ways, such as compromising one standard, and then another in efforts to get or keep a man. And although desperate women or PICK-MEs can be from any demographic and found just about anywhere you see women, there’s a place they tend to frequent the most: Church.

As a recovering church girl and PICK-ME who was raised in purity culture and spent nearly 3 decades observing women in church, there are some reasons I believe the PICK-ME phenomenon in church is so prevalent. The following is not an exhaustive list of reasons why, but it may come close:

1. There simply aren’t enough single men in church. So, the moment one steps in the door (and don’t let him look and smell like something), it’s often a thirst trap because the average single church woman has been deprived per the environment and in more ways than one. So of course, women want to be the “chosen” one amongst the many, which leads to the second point.

2. Because there aren’t nearly as many men on the church pews, most women find themselves in a sea full of women at worship services. Hence, the competition to be seen above the rest is REAL. While this discussion is not centered on male absence in church, a common complaint is that church services have an emotional pull that is geared toward women, leaving men less interested in attending.

3. Women in church want to be the lucky ones because of deeply rooted religious programming. “Save me God” and “Pick me honey” are cousins to each other; looking for God to save you from hell in the afterlife, and looking for a man to save you from perpetual singlehood and celibacy are both part of the same psychological framework of salvation. Single church women are looking for respite in both their spiritual and physical lives.

4. PICK-MEs are predominantly in the church because a notable percentage of Christian women are celibate, and the lack of sexual release is through the roof. This is mainly due to fornication being preached as worthy of hellfire and brimstone. The fear of damnation makes women even MORE desperate for marriage because getting a man to walk down the aisle is the only acceptable way to get one off.

5. The messaging over pulpits is that the responsibility of coupling solely lies with a man choosing a woman (i.e. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” — Proverbs 18:22). The feeling is women are at the mercy of men picking them, while also not being taught the power women hold in the coupling process. The byproduct is an inherent powerlessness because there’s nothing women have been taught to do. As a result, they end up waiting, praying, and hoping it’s them who gets chosen the next time around.

6. This next point piggybacks off the last one: Women in church are not truly taught about their divinity and sexuality in church. When they are, it’s often plagued with a slew of negative connotations (i.e. the Eve, Delilah & Jezebel stories). So instead of women operating at full capacity and knowing who they are — that they’re powerful, alluring beings who can command attention — they’ve been taught to play it small. They’ve read scriptures (that are more cultural than spiritual) that tell women to dress modest and to not look like much of anything, so as not to create distraction and temptation for men. However, in doing so, a lot of women in church have repelled attention altogether.

7. Women traditionally aren’t chosen for prime ministerial roles, as pastors are predominantly male. Women who feel they have a divine calling to minister often have to fight for their right to hold titles and exercise their spiritual gifts. The need to be seen and validated by men in church goes beyond mere romance when feminine roles are limited or diminished in comparison to their male counterparts.

8. Devout church-going women are not really socializing anywhere outside of church and work. They’re at Sunday services, Sunday school, Tuesday night Bible study, Wednesday night prayer, Friday night Fire and Worship service, etc.… Where else and what else are they doing?? And because they’re literally not being seen anywhere else, of course the place they frequent the most — church — is the place to be seen, especially on Sunday when the “good” clothes are being worn.

9. Trauma hides exceptionally well on the pews, behind a smile and a Bible and that forever slogan, “I’m blessed and highly favored”. Women are not taught to go and get therapy for their sexual and/or relationship trauma. Jesus is the end-all, be-all and unfortunately, women are told to just “pray about it” and talk to their pastor. Instead of being encouraged to seek professional help, women hide in church wounded, while coping, hoping, and praying someone comes inside to find them.

10. I believe this last point is the culmination of all the previous ones: Church women believe they will find their husband inside the four walls. They are waiting for their “BOAZ”, their MAN of GOD, who is presumed to be part of the church congregation. Religious women are not likely to entertain anyone who doesn’t go to church either, so the options for meeting someone dramatically slim down because why? Read point number one again.

And the vicious cycle of religious PICK-MEism continues.

However, my hope is that women in the church will wake up and realize there is an entire world of options they’re missing out on. I also hope that in their waking, they begin to deconstruct the dogmatic programming that has potentially held them back in their desire for love and companionship. It may be a rude awakening, but it’s one that’s ultimately worth it.

It’s made all the difference in my life.